My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?