we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.