Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
You Might Also Like
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
who named him groot and not spruce lee
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.