My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
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My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
nobody’s gonna understand
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods