I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Friends that check up on you >