I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
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explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.