can we normalize arguing with little kids they鈥檙e so rude 馃槶
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me: you鈥檙e so wet and i鈥檓 going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i鈥檓 gonna need you to stop talking out loud
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I鈥檒l be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me: I鈥檓 going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I鈥檝e never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!