“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me: