I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.