me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……