somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
You Might Also Like
Made something I’m not proud of
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.