Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Last-minute gift idea!
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.