Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”