Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.