me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I ate everything, including the H.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.