Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
This could’ve been an email.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!