Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
i smell a pulitzer
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes