Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
the three branches of government
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”