My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Good dog. ❤️
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Here’s a meme
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.