I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Not today.. 😂
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?