what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab