I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too