Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.