There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
get you a girl who
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”