Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.