Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.