I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”