[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets