what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
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The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
me and who
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.