SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
This is true.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?