nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
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Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
umm…
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?