Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
This classic never gets old . . .
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.