Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Nice try Hitler
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.