Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.