I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
You Might Also Like
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting