*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Spell check is for lasers.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?