Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
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[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Found the job I’m suited for
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.