Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.