How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year