My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.