Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
You Might Also Like
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses