My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*