[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
You Might Also Like
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Admin smashed it 😂
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.