Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
not for long
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover