I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Happy weekend !
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.