A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.