Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Found the job I’m suited for
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA