Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
What’s a Messi?
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Well, shit