*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that