Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”